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Posted on Jun 30,2011
Filed Under Personal Development , Opinions,

Divorce cake.
Divorce cake.

ALEXANDRIA, VA. - I am not doing well with my divorce. I am falling apart. I didn’t know my husband would become so heartless and uncooperative. But I have changed too. I never used to wish harm to anyone. Now I actually wish that he would die. What kind of person am I to wish that? I want to go back to being the person I was before the divorce. I want to be able to focus again on my life and not be obsessed with what terrible people we both have become. This whole situation is so painful. I am often very angry. I try not to show my feelings to my young son, but he knows. How can I survive this? 

Dear Divorce,

It is impossible to be the person you were before a divorce. This transition can be shattering, usually including pain, anger, and confusion. Although a broken vase can often be glued back together, it cannot return to its original wholeness. But the cracks often add character, making it more beautiful in its rebirth. 

Under the stress of divorce our worst behaviors can present themselves unexpectedly. Words, thoughts, and actions that were otherwise out of character seem to have been waiting an opportunity. It is normal during this time to wish for the death of the apparent (your husband is not the actual) cause of the trauma. 

Obsessive thoughts are the ego’s attempt to cover pain. Since this obviously doesn’t work, you must embrace the pain. It’s part of who you are now, even though you don’t want it. Breathe into it and accept its presence for a time.

Yes, your young son is aware of your feelings. When he asks if you are angry, answer him honestly. Yes, I am angry. Assure him that he is not to blame either for your feelings or for the divorce (refrain from blaming his father). 

Since divorce brings up so many personal issues, it is an opportune time to join a support group and/or see a counselor. Your focus will gradually return to your life as you begin to re-identify with your whole-self and not just the part of you that is suffering.

Please keep in touch.

Merrily Preston is an Intentional Life Facilitator, who lives in Woodbridge. Her column is exclusive to Local Kicks. Email questions to, or use online form at

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