Sign In or Register here

ASK MERRILY/Too tired to be kind

Merrily Preston
By Merrily Preston
Posted on Feb 05,2009
Filed Under Personal Development , Opinions,


Dear Merrily,
 I would like to be accepted by my husband even when I am not taking special care of him. With a woman friend I do not always have to listen and support - I can be teased and loved in my self-centered-ness.
How nice it would be if the man I love could show me that support. He tells me he gives it, that I don't see it.  Sometimes I am too tired to be generous and kind.
I saw my mother not sure my father would keep loving her after 65 years of marriage if she were sick.  I truly understand how her insides made her unsure.  I watched my dad not know the simple words she needed for reassurance.
Too Tired to be Kind

Dear Too Tired,

 You are longing to be loved by your husband exactly as you are.  Did you know that he longs for the same?   Mutual support usually includes accepting a person as is, rather than desiring change. 

Your father’s thoughts may have paralleled your husband’s.  Maybe your mother could not see his support.  Maybe you do not see what your husband gives.

Husbands and wives sometimes travel in parallel realities, one in the express lane, the other in the local lane.

Like concrete barriers, expectations create parallel realities.  The wife expects her husband to nurture in specific ways.  She sees only what matches her expectations, missing his natural ways to support.  He fulfills his husbandly duties without knowing what she needs. He often doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs.

The lists of expectations need to be exchanged.  She needs to ask what he is doing to support her.  He needs to know how she wants to be supported.

One human being cannot provide all the support another needs. Women look to friends to complete their longing for emotional support.  They perceive their husbands to be lacking.  But, men support in a more subtle form, which is naturally different from the feminine way.  That doesn’t make it wrong or any less solid or enduring. 

Can you begin to receive what you need from him in the way that he already provides?
Merrily Preston is an Intentional Life Facilitator, who lives in Woodbridge. Her column is exclusive to Local Kicks. Email questions to, or use online form at

Loading Loading..

Shopping and Services Guide

Exclusive deals from the best locals!

Browse our highlighted partners
Spas, retailers, restaurants and…
so much more.