Sign In or Register here

ASK MERRILY /Can I Ask if He's Gay?

Merrily Preston
By Merrily Preston
Posted on Mar 16,2009
Filed Under Personal Development , Opinions,

My friend is infatuated with CATS. Can
I ask if he's gay?

Dear Merrily,

How do I find out if the man I am dating is gay? Can I just ask?

We met last fall and felt instant attraction. We see each other several times a week, talk on the phone several times a day. I have never been this happy.

He tells me he loves me. He says I make him happy too.

But there is little or no physical contact. We have not been to bed. One Saturday night at his apartment I said I'd spend the night, and he cowered. When I backed off, he seemed relieved. He tried to cover it up with, "I am in a stage where I need my privacy".

I sincerely love this man. We talk about a future. We are both in our mid-40s and divorced. But I need a physical relationship, and . . . this is puzzling. If he's gay, why does he tell me he loves me? Why does he call? Am I wasting my time?
Dear Needs,

You may not just ask the man if he is gay.

You say you have never been this happy, then you ask if you are wasting your time.  You put in past tense, “we felt instant attraction.”

Why are you afraid to put this issue on the table?  Does your friendship also lack intimacy?

He gave you an opening with, “I am in a stage where I need my privacy.” There are many possible reasons (e.g. emotional trauma, a physical problem, a spiritual decision, being gay, shy of commitment) that he is not ready for physical intimacy.  Invite him to talk to you about the stage he is in and his need for privacy.  Listen to him. Consider whether his issue is resolvable in a time-frame that works for you.  

If he is not able to talk now, tell him that you look forward to a physical relationship when he is ready.  But, if he cannot respond in a time reasonable for you, you will have to take care of yourself and move on when you know that is in your best interest.  You will know clearly if and when that time has arrived.                  

Merrily Preston is an Intentional Life Facilitator, who lives in Woodbridge. Her column is exclusive to Local Kicks in Alexandria, VA. Email questions to, or use online form at

Loading Loading..

Shopping and Services Guide

Exclusive deals from the best locals!

Browse our highlighted partners
Spas, retailers, restaurants and…
so much more.